Complaining about the dating scene is a common conversation amongst women and I'd like to believe amongst men as well. We talk about how tired we are of the bullshit, of non committal men, men whose actions and words don’t line up, men with no follow through, men who stay cheating on us and generally taking from our lives rather than giving any additional value to our life experiences. The conversation on accountability however is one we spend little to no time debating and hashing out. How, in fact we contribute to the reality we live in and often complain about. A good male friend of mine always says that “Men will act how we (women) want them to act” he usually goes onto say that if women decided that as of today they will no longer have sex with men without PhD’s that within 5 years the country would see a steady incline of men with PhD’s or pursuing their PhD’s! The fact of the matter is, until all women, more women buy into a collective vision of the type and quality of men we want to have and have our interactions with men stay consistent to that aspiration, we will continue to sabotage not only ourselves but each other. So attitudes like you can only get
a man by taking him from another, “Umntu uthathwa komnye umntu” a common saying
in the parts where I’m from as well as the general elevation of the mistress. A
new phenomena of women who “aspire” to be the sidechick not wanting the
fulltime responsibility of their own man for varying reasons. Typicaly claiming
- That they do not want to break up your home
- Are content to be stashed in some townhouse in Fourways or Lonehill and see your husband once or twice a week and
- Usually insist that this would be the extent of their “interference” into your marriage.
Until those
attitudes and many like them are weeded out, we will continue to find ourselves
building realities that seek to undermine ourselves and arguably prevent some
really good men from ever actualising themselves.
The other day, a friend took a group of us
through a sermon by her pastor on why women are struggling. She broke it down,
from one man to a congregation of women. I’m sure there were brothers shifting
in their seats and some chuckling relating in some way or the other.
Sex and I daresay exclusive and consistent
sex, is one of the most precious and most valuable gifts that any woman can
give a man and a mans freedom is the most precious and valuable thing he can
give to a woman. There is nothing a man values more than his freedom, the ability to come and go as he pleases. No questions asked no explanations expected.The primary basis of any relationship between a man and a
woman is based on this trade exchange.
Women, he said, are too free with their
love, their bodies, their commitments and wifey behaviours. And you know the
wifey behaviours he’s talking about too. Him hosting a braai and asking you to
come earlier to “hold down the salads” which you happily oblige to despite only
being in the early courting stages. I
think most women interpret this request hopefully and the usual emotional
justification is that he wouldn’t be asking this of me if he didn’t see me that
way. I’m not saying that he doesn’t see your potential etc just that those acts
are privileges. Withholding on a simple thing such as this communicates that
this is not something that you do for just any man but after the right amount
of time and with the necessary commitment, it is something that you would
happily do for him. Its about playing your position. I’m often amazed at how
some women still believe that cooking for a man is going to earn her magical
brownie points immediately promoting her from booty call to girlfriend. Men
don’t date potential, we do they don’t. I’m also not saying that it doesn’t
happen, booty calls promoted to girlfriends, side chicks graduating to
girlfriends, mistresses finally becoming wives. Everybody has a friend of a
friend, who has a cousins who’s girlfriends nieces aunt had it happen to them
BUT I can guarantee you that it was an emotionally taxing journey for each and
every one of them.
Relationships are about reciprocity. From
dating/courting to she’s my girlfriend, he’s my boyfriend and he’s my husband,
she’s my wife, relationships are the practice of exchanging things for mutual
benefit, especially privileges granted by one to another.
Key words being:
Exchange – This could be the exclusive and
consistent sex from the women for his freedom as mentioned earlier or some other kind of exchange.
Mutual benefit – Usually the benefit is
happiness. The specifics of what makes each of us happy are so relative that
I’ll just leave this as is. But at a point when the trade exchange doesn’t
fulfil a common end goal the relationship contract is usually nullified.
Privileges – the special things couples do
for each other.
Being that we are the architects of our
realities it’d be interesting and worthwhile for women to consider what is it
we do to affect the status quo’s that do not benefit us. What are we prepared
to do to change it and rather than looking at things on a micro level, how are
we contributing to this bigger picture through our interactions with men. That’s
our one-night stands, flings and relationships.
Now just because I am talking to women in this
post that by no means cancels out the much needed conversations men need to
have with each other and how they can contribute positively to the existing state of affairs I just think that
in this instance this is only something that can be truly inspired by women. I
don’t foresee a situation where a man finally at his breaking point shouts,
“No more! I am tired of having
meaningless sex with you! I am tired of you coming over, making me food,
washing the dishes and giving me advice on my life and my not giving you squat in return. I am tired of not returning your calls. Not calling you weeks at a time and to my eventually drunk dialling you midweek to talk about feelings I know i don't ahve and won't live into the morning. Aaaaaargh! I just can't take it anymore! I can't take your kindness and willingness to overlook the fact that I am full of myself and I treat you like shit. So please just stop. Stop it with your love, your concern, your interest and general goodwill because I do not deserve it and I want to deserve it. Please let me work for you attention and affection. I want to
get to know you first. Learn to first respect and truly value you.”
Then
taking you gently by the hand he'd say,
“I also don’t know how this terrible, terrible
rumour began but I, no, we prefer not to get head. Really, its just uncomfortable for
us and its weird. We’d much prefer a post coital cuddle and want nothing more
than to talk about your feelings.”
Not likely.
So lets do for ourselves and for each other and lets raise the bar a tad. I'd love to have more conversations about the special things he has done for you and you for him than another he ain't shit conversation.
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